On the Oscars

I’m finishing up this kick of writing about last year’s movies. This will be the last post on this subject for a while, I promise.

I don’t see much point in predicting what WILL win, so instead I’m going to write about what I think SHOULD win, both from what the nominees actually are, and from a theoretical universe where I can choose from whatever I want.

BEST PICTURE

From the nominees: THE TREE OF LIFE

From everything: THE TREE OF LIFE

A weird set of nominees. I’ve seen six of them, and I think Tree of Life is certainly, the best, though The Artist, Hugo, and Moneyball are all very good. Martha Marcy May Marlene really ought to have been at least nominated. I think it was pretty much shut out, which is a real pity. And though The Arbor is still my absolute top pick, it’s disqualified from this for being a documentary. (And possibly for being released in the UK in 2010?)

BEST ACTOR

From the nominees: BRAD PITT (for Moneyball)

From everything: BRAD PITT (for The Tree of Life)

I’ve seen all the movies with best actor nominees except for Demian Bichir in A Better Life. This is a tough one; I just wasn’t that blown away by any male actor in a clearly leading role this year. Out of the nominees, I think Brad Pitt in Moneyball just edges out Gary Oldman in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. In the world of infinite freedom, I would choose Brad Pitt for his performance in Tree of Life, though I think it’s slightly unclear whether he’s actually the lead in that film. It’s always seemed tricky to me to determine what’s a lead and what isn’t.

BEST ACTRESS

From the nominees: ???

From everything: ELIZABETH OLSEN (for Martha Marcy May Marlene)

I actually haven’t seen any of the movies nominated for best actress, so I can’t render an opinion on that. Ignoring the nominations, I think it has to be Elizabeth Olsen, for her very believable and very scary performance in poor shut-out Martha Marcy May Marlene. Would have been nice to see a nomination for Charlize Theron for Young Adult or Adepero Oduye for Pariah, who were both also great.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

From the nominees: CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER (for Beginners)

From everything: BEN KINGSLEY (for Hugo)

I liked Jonah Hill and Christopher Plummer, but how about John Hawkes for Martha Marcy May Marlene, Ben Kingsley for Hugo, Charles Parnell for Pariah, John Hurt for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, or Patton Oswalt for Young Adult? Out of the nominees, I like Christopher Plummer. Out of everything there are almost too many options. I’ll go with Ben Kingsley, partially because I’m just very surprised that he wasn’t even nominated; Hugo was not a small movie…

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

From the nominees: MELISSA MCCARTHY (for Bridesmaids)

From everything: MELISSA MCCARTHY (for Bridesmaids)

I think it’s awesome and a little unexpected that Melissa McCarthy got this nod for Bridesmaids. I hope she wins.

BEST DIRECTOR

From the nominees: TERRENCE MALICK (for The Tree of Life)

From everything: TERRENCE MALICK (for The Tree of Life)

Malick really deserves to win this.  See my earlier post.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

From the nominees: KRISTIN WIIG AND ANNIE MUMOLO (for Bridesmaids)

From everything: SEAN DURKIN (for Martha Marcy May Marlene)

Bridesmaids’ screenplay was great, and it’s nice to see a straight-up comedy nominated for this. I also wish Diablo Cody’s script for Young Adult got at least a nomination.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

From the nominees: BRIDGET O’CONNOR AND PETER STRAUGHN (for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)

From everything: DEE REES (for Pariah)

The Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy crew deserve serious credit for making an understandable movie out of a story that can seem crowded in a BBC miniseries.  I think the best screenplay of any movie I saw this year was Pariah, though, which I assume counts as adapted since it was based on an earlier short film.

***

I think this is about where I stop having any idea what I’m talking about in terms of categories. I will say, I hope Planet of the Apes wins for special effects, and I will be incredibly happy if Man or Muppet wins best original song. Will it be performed at the ceremony? If so, that’s amazing. (Also why are there only two songs nominated this year? I’m not complaining, but all these rule changes are very mysterious to the layperson.)

Spanx For Nothing.

Prehistoric Spanx turned women into mer-creatures.

So yesterday I tried Spanx for the first time. Now I’ve heard about Spanx for awhile—for the uninitiated into the rites of female body modification, Spanx are a combination  of industrial strength pantyhose/bicycle short that function as a smoothing and sucking  foundation garment—but I became convinced that I should purchase a pair because of the recent New Yorker profile of the inventor of Spanx, Sarah Blakely,  proving how totally nerd-bourgeois I’ve become.  I don’t know what I was expecting. I think my expectation can best be articulated as the possibility that the device would work like some kind of butt-corset and magically reduce my comfortable rump into something taut and yoga-fied resembling Madonna circa 1993. I’ve heard horror stories of not being able to move once enveloped in these sheaths of vanity and that they take up to 30 minutes to shimmy into. Is it a tribute to the current state of female body dysmorphia in America that these obstacles somehow made the Spanx that more appealing? If I was looking for some good ole’ fashioned masochism, I was disappointed. The Spanx were ….basically bike shorts. I mean, they were tight and made the bridesmaid’s dress I just bought hand smoothly over them, but any butt-magic I had hoped for evaporated in the two minutes it took to put them on. I’m pleased with my purchase,  but it won’t  sate my desire for a magic bullet for those of us who are too bootylicious for standard sizing. I guess I’ll just have to wait until Coco T’s clothing line is launched later this year.

Jane Eyre n’ Me

Mr. Rochester performed music so underground his band didn't even exist yet

The new Jane Eyre was good, though slightly anti-climactic for the swoony 11^th grader in me. By way of explanation: Jane Eyre was one of those books that I devoured in high school. A plain and chubby but plucky girl myself, I immediately imagined myself as Jane  to a thrillingly Byronic imagined Mr. Rochester (at this time——circa 2000—most often manifested by a bearded Johnny Depp). The connection with the novel, re-read about five times since then, was so strong that no film adaptation could ever quite match up with my personal expectation. Previous movies were enjoyable, but left no significant impression, save for the version in which Sookie Stackhouse plays cheeky Young Jane.

Which brings me to the new film by Cary Fukunaga: Well-acted (check-nice supporting work by Jamie Bell, Judi Dench, and Sally Hawkins, to boot!), well-scripted (check plus-the script retells the story out of sequential order, breaking up the tedium of the earlier Jane adaptations) beautifully shot (check—Thornfield Hall is lovingly realized).  I can’t fault the acting of the major players, though Michael Fassbender is decidedly waaaay too conventionally gorgeous to be Mr. Rochester.  I’ve always considered Rochester to have a bit of a caveman about him which contributes to his allure in a bizarre way that was very appealing to seventeen-year old Me. Here,  he is more like a gentle, scruffily bearded flannel-bedecked frontman for an Allston band that would be called Dear Mother Owls  or something similar. Mia Wasikowska is lovely as Jane, though I’d love to see her retain a bit more of the ballsy confidence that animates Jane as a child. Upon reflection, my real disappointment with Jane Eyre is personal, nostalgic, and impossible to rectify: that after imagining myself so long as the character, it has become impossible to be pleased with a heroine other than myself.